The Uncommon Communicator

E98 - The UC Playbook: Constructive Feedback and Authenticity

• James Gable • Season 2 • Episode 98

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Get ready to shift your perception of feedback, authenticity and vulnerability with our special guest, master questionator and construction mind shifter, Jesse Hernandez! Ever wondered how constructive criticism can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and improvement? We bring into focus these overlooked aspects of communication, offering you a fresh perspective on how to become a more effective communicator.

In our conversation with Jesse, we delve into the importance of feedback, dissecting effective methods of delivering it with precision, balance and timeliness. However, that's only half the journey. We also discuss in detail the art of receiving feedback, shedding light on how open-mindedness, emotional neutrality, and active questioning can enhance self-reflection and foster a sense of gratitude. Furthermore, we explore authenticity and vulnerability, and how sharing our mistakes can create deeper connections by making others feel less alone. We invite you to join us as we navigate the path to self-improvement and understanding, learning how these elements can contribute to your personal and professional growth. Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation!

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The Uncommon Communicator:

You want to talk right down to us and elanguishes. Everybody here can easily understand. What we got here is a failure to communicate. Welcome to the Uncommon TV Canada Podcast, where we are here to bring enlightenment to the topic of communication. In this week's playbook, we're going to be discussing last week's episode, which was and had Jesse Hernandez, master questionator and construction mind shifter. We had him on the show and we talked about becoming the promise you were intended to be, the book that he wrote. It's a second. First book. There were so many topics that we dove into, and dove into pretty deep, but there's a couple of them that we're going to talk about today and dive in a little bit deeper on so we have a better understanding of, and we can better prepare, our conversations.

The Uncommon Communicator:

Now, two things that stuck out for this episode that's important for us listeners and also communicators, was feedback. He touched on that briefly and then vulnerability and authenticity. Now Jesse said and this was just. I hope everybody had heard it, let's hear it again, though Jesse says that he wants good criticism. We all do right. Give us some good feedback, tell us what we're doing well. He'll take bad criticism, you know, even if it comes across bad, it's something. But worst of all for him is nothing, and for a lot of us self-developers, people that really want to improve ourselves, we're looking for that feedback and, oddly enough, it can be hard to find. Some people give it out. Way too often you would think but you don't anymore. Not in this world, not today. It doesn't seem that way that we get really great feedback on things that can help us improve. A lot of times we're being really sensitive to other people's feelings or needs and not building that relationship of feedback, because feedback is a loop and it's also ingrained in a relationship being able to take feedback from people and really grow and learn from it and Jesse is one of those people he wants to hear something is better than nothing, and I'm in the same boat with him as well too. You know great job here and there. We love to hear it. We love to have our ego kind of boosted up a little bit. But what we also want to hear is hey, you're doing this, if you improve this, you can be better Things that we're just doing wrong, sometimes unintentionally. We don't even know that we're doing. So in today's episode, we're going to talk about feedback and we're going to touch a little bit on vulnerability and authenticity. Now, jumping into feedback, there's some right ways and some wrong ways to do it, but I'm going to give you four top ways to give feedback. I'm going to talk about giving it and then also how to receive it, because that is a skill as well.

The Uncommon Communicator:

Now, one important thing when giving feedback and there's four of them be specific, focus on behavior and be timely about it and use this balanced approach. And what do I mean by that? Let's be specific, be clear, be concise, be specific to the situation. Don't be vague and it's like you know you're kind of annoying. That's not good feedback. What is annoying? You know you're always picking your nose whenever I'm talking to you. Maybe that's a conversation that needs to have. That's beyond just being annoying. But be very specific and avoid kind of general statements. So being specific is really a key in feedback, especially if somebody's asking for it. What I?

The Uncommon Communicator:

A lot of times, if I'm given speeches, I'll ask for specific feedback on something that I'm working on, whether it's how I'm standing, my stage presence or you know how I enter or leave a room. Whatever it is in that particular day that I really want to improve on, I'll ask somebody to really look at that with a deeper eye and then, when you do that and you ask for those types of specific feedbacks, that person can help you better hone that in. The other thing is to really focus on behavior, not the person. You don't want to dive into them specifically on personal traits or characteristics, but it could be on a behavior or an action. The next one is be timely about it, and this in some cases and it might be when you're a leader of somebody when things happen, it's important to bring them up. The last thing in the world that you want to do is say you know, hey, this has been bugging me for 20 years. Why don't you change that? Timely is very important and a lot of times when opportunities are missed and that behavior is going on, then you missed the opportunity for that person to really understand what it was. They may not even remember it because they oftentimes and sometimes don't know that they're even doing it. And the last one is to use a balanced approach. In this case, I would say the sandwich method isn't always the best method. And what is the sandwich method?

The Uncommon Communicator:

A lot of times we're taught that you know, give something good and then bring in, say that corrective action, or let's just call it a negative thing, and then finish it with something good. You know, creating that compliment sandwich. It's really not a bad approach, but sometimes and especially depending on your relationships you do this too much. People start to recognize the fluff, because sometimes you have to find the fluff to find the good thing, and so they ignore what's coming next, or they are cringing, maybe in preparation for that bad news. So what I like to do is start right with it. Hey, these are the things that you need to improve on, and then end with the good things, and a great way to add to that is to say here's this particular thing you're working on. You improve this, you're gonna get to here. Kind of show them the path of this feedback that's gonna not only improve what they're doing, but add to the other good things that you then point out that they are doing. So giving feedback can be tough, but remember to be specific, focus on behavior, be timely with it and use a balanced approach.

The Uncommon Communicator:

Now receiving feedback, you have to be open-minded. So there are really five things that I'm gonna talk about today in regards to receiving feedback, and the number one thing is to have an open mind. Are you ready to receive feedback? And if you're not, why aren't you? You have to develop a willingness to really be ready to receive it and want it. There are people in that mode all the time and there are plenty of people who are not open-minded to it. So if you're gonna get the most out of it, be open-minded.

The Uncommon Communicator:

And another thing is to set aside personal emotions. You can't take it too personal. One thing that I had heard is if somebody comes up with you and even if they do it wrong with a critique or say they're talking bad about you, a lot of times there's truth in it and that truth is what lets our emotions get in there and we don't accept it from the listener. When you hear those things and you can change your mindset to say, okay, there is some truth to this, I'm going to accept it. You're going to improve 10-fold when you can put aside those emotions and know that there's a little bit of truth in it.

The Uncommon Communicator:

The next step is in receiving feedback is ask questions. It's fine to ask clarifying details If somebody is being vulnerable enough to offer you some feedback, because sometimes feedback can put a relationship in a bad spot because it may hinder the friendship, knowing that you're giving some stuff that that individual isn't really wanting to hear. But ask questions and maybe dive a little bit deeper into what is behind that feedback. Then you can really find the underlying reasons and why they're bringing you that feedback as well too. The next step is to really be self-reflective. Before receiving feedback, it's often good to kind of reflect on your own performance, and when you're doing that, you're also. Sometimes we put ourselves in a negative mindset, and that's why our feedback can come in and guide us to the positive side as well. But also, if we think so highly of ourselves, sometimes that negative feedback comes in and it's hard to receive because we're not receiving it, because we're already at the mindset like, well, I was perfectly fine before, I didn't ask you for your opinion. But be self-reflective and know that there may be a bit of truth that's worded in that and then finally show some gratitude. This person did step out and, as I said before, maybe they're a little vulnerable and wanted to create that relationship with you. I encourage you to have them where they're already there, where you can receive feedback open from somebody. But those aren't always how those relationships start. So show some gratitude, thank them for it. That's the best thing you can do. You certainly don't wanna defend anything. Just thank them and then move on. So that's how to give feedback. That's how to receive feedback.

The Uncommon Communicator:

The next thing that Jesse really jumped into was talking about authenticity and vulnerability. I hear a lot this be your authentic self. What does that really mean? In some ways, I've heard it almost robotic style, like they know that that's the words that they should say. But what does it really mean? Well, there's three things. I'll pick three things. Being this type of authenticity is let me back up to be your authentic self can mean a lot of things. Three things that I think it really means the most is being self-aware. You have to understand your own thoughts, your feelings, your motivations. These are all fundamental parts of authenticity.

The Uncommon Communicator:

The next thing is really honesty, and that means being authentic, means speaking your truth and not pretending to be someone that you're not. You have to bring in a level of honesty. You can't be your authentic self when you're repeating what you think that person wants to hear, or if you're repeating what you think other people think you should be saying. But it's about bringing honesty into that situation. And the last thing I think is one of the most important is self-expression. True authenticity allows you to express yourself, your creativity, your passions, all your interests, in a way that resonate with you. People know it, people can feel it, and you're not gonna just conform to societal modes, what people expect of you, what people think of you, but self-expression and being authentic can also be stepping out of maybe that box that you've put yourself in. To really be authentic is to let yourself go in front of people that you would only do, say, in a smaller, more authentic way, group. But being that authentic, your authentic self, those are things that come about from being self aware, being honest and being able to show your own self-expression.

The Uncommon Communicator:

When we talk about vulnerability, I will leave and defer that one to the experts. Follow Jesse. You're going to get a whole lot better if you listen to what he has to say with it. I am by no means any expert in the area of vulnerability, but I know, as I've dabbled into it and looked at, the value and the benefit that comes from vulnerability. Jesse was able to practice his vulnerability through the 12-step program, through going to these meetings where you're often expressing all the kind of stupid things that you've done. As he worded that, that's where it starts. He didn't even know that that's what vulnerability was, but it was about being able to share the stupid things that you did so others can know that they're not alone. So, understanding that as a basis of vulnerability I can grasp in on that one. I might not delve deeply into all deep feelings, but I can talk about the things that I messed up on so others can learn from it. So, authenticity, vulnerability they're very much tied together.

The Uncommon Communicator:

So, with this week's UC moment, well, now let's back up With this week's UC playbook. We're going to talk about where we talked about feedback and then we talked about authenticity and vulnerability. Just a quick recap on feedback Be specific, focus on behavior, be timely and use a balanced approach. Next, to receive feedback, be open-minded, set aside all your emotions, ask questions, be self-reflective and show some gratitude. And then, on the authenticity and vulnerability side, you really need to be self-aware, honest with yourself and be free to self-express yourself. That's all I've got for today. The UC moment is to really receive and grow from feedback. You need to come from a place of authenticity and vulnerability. Say that one more time To really receive and grow from feedback. You need to come from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, and that's all we got for today. See you, thank you.